Learning to Live Again Read online

  “She’s been through a lot this past year, Austin. She seemed perfectly content in your arms just now, but I’m telling you … if you fucking hurt her, I will kill you. Just so we are clear with that.” Trevor stood up and clapped Austin on the shoulder as he walked by. Austin let out a deep breath—he must’ve held it during Trevor’s mini diatribe. He understood where Trevor was coming from, and he had no intentions of hurting Rachel, but something Trevor had said caught his attention, and Austin realized just how little he really knew about Rachel. He needed to find out what exactly she had been through this past year, and he really hoped to hear it from her.

  Chapter 7

  The dinner dishes had been cleared, and dessert had been dished up. The whole gang sat around the large dining room table looking happy and content. Rachel had made several pies and a cheesecake, and everyone was well on their way to a sugar coma.

  “Hey! Let’s play Would You Rather,” Tom suggested to the nodding group. Rachel glanced at Austin who looked a bit confused, but seemed open to a game. Poor guy had no idea how twisted this game could get with these people. This was a game Trevor and Rachel had played for as long as she could remember. It started out very innocent, two kids amusing themselves with silly questions like, "Would you rather touch dog poo or being pooped on by a bird?" But over the years, some of the questions had taken a frightening turn. And once they began to play it as a group, it always seemed that they crossed verbal boundaries that most people wouldn’t.

  “Okay, Ava,” Tom began. “Would you rather be a rodeo clown who distracts the bull or the cowboy who rides the bull?” he asked.

  Ava popped another bite of cheesecake into her mouth and swirled it around before she answered. “I would rather ride the cowboy.” She grinned, obviously pretty proud of herself.

  “Not an option, my slutty friend.” Talia giggled.

  “Okay, I’ll go with the clown. I figure I can run and dodge better than I can fall from a testosterone overloaded beast. Plus, I would never want to be a cowboy. They have no fashion sense,” Ava concluded.

  Tom seemed satisfied with her answer. “Your turn,” he said as he sat back and took another bite of his pie.

  Ava shifted her right leg onto the chair beside her, tapping her spoon against her lips. “Okay, I’ve got one. Nick, would you rather French kiss a dog or have a baby spit up into your open mouth?”

  “Shit, Ava, that’s just gross.” He scrunched up his nose as they all seemed to laugh louder than any of them intended to. “Do you realize what dogs do with their tongues? Wait, is the baby a breastfeeding baby? ‘Cause that might be interesting,” Nick joked, flinching as Chelsea smacked him on the shoulder.

  “Eww.” Ava wrinkled her nose. “No, in fact the baby just ate some of that puréed spinach stuff,” she confirmed, causing them to all dissolve in a fit of laughter again. Nick groaned. They all concluded years ago that you must answer, and death was never an option. They were a sick group, a fact they were all well aware of.

  “I think I read one time that the human mouth is dirtier than a dog’s, but I figure that a baby hasn’t had as much time to acquire all that filth yet ...” Nick pondered out loud.

  “Talk it out, man,” Trevor encouraged him with a chuckle.

  “I’m going with the baby.” Nick nodded finally.

  Rachel took another small bite, as she waited for his question, which he turned and directed at Talia. Rachel leaned over and whispered to Austin, “And now we digress.” It was unavoidable.

  "Okay, Talia, would you rather throw up every time you have an orgasm or have your genitals look and smell like rotten eggs?" Nick started laughing before he even finished the question. He was such a kid sometimes. Rachel could see that he was utterly proud of himself, too.

  “What? Seriously, Nick! What kind of choice is that?” Talia screamed in a disgusted voice. It was completely lost on him. He was still laughing hysterically at himself. “Shit, no matter what I choose, I’m screwed. I can’t see having a very rewarding sex life, and I hate puking.” She talked it through out loud as everyone waited for her answer, clearly having nothing to contribute except laughter. “I like eggs, but certainly not on my hoo-ha, and honestly, the smell isn’t great regardless. The eggs, not my hoo-ha,” she clarified. Sometimes Rachel wondered about Nick. He probably needed professional help. They may have to arrange an intervention.

  “Do I have a vote here since it would directly affect me?” Tom spoke up from next to Talia.

  “Sure, baby. Lay it on me.” Talia motioned with her hands for Tom to continue.

  “I’m not a big fan of eggs, so I would much rather stock up on those little barf bags from airplanes. We would need a very large stock of them though.” Tom waggled his eyebrows as he leaned in and planted a kiss on Talia’s lips.

  “You know it!” She grinned. “Okay, I choose orgasmic puking.” Talia nodded at Nick and then proceeded to flip him off, causing another round of laughter.

  Talia pushed her now empty plate away from her and turned to Trevor. “Would you rather live in a world where hugs were replaced by grabbing a person's crotch and squeezing it, or where all friendship disputes were settled by a dance off?” In unison, everyone threw his or her hands up and yelled, “Dance off!” Rachel watched the entire room dissolve in laughter.

  Trevor finally stopped laughing long enough to clarify his answer. “There is no question that a dance off would be my choice. Rachel, can you imagine how much more awkward greeting mom’s sisters would be if we had to trade hugs for crotch grabbing?” Trevor and Rachel both visibly shuddered at the thought.

  Trevor turned to Chelsea next. “Okay, Chelsea, would you rather have your arms severed in an accident or have your genitals removed?”

  “Arms!” Nick answered quickly for her.

  Rachel laughed as Chelsea glared at Nick. “Excuse me? They are my arms.”

  “Come on, Chelsea.” Nick practically begged. “You don’t really need arms.”

  “Fine, but just remember that you now are responsible for wiping my ass.” She raised her eyebrows as Nick seemed to re-think his answer.

  “Fine, keep your arms,” Nick conceded, practically pouting, but lightened up when Chelsea leaned in a whispered something in his ear, obviously giving him some alternatives he would be satisfied with.

  Chelsea looked between Austin and Rachel before settling on Austin. “Austin, would you rather have your mom walk in on you masturbating or walk in on your mom masturbating?” Rachel watched as Austin’s mouth dropped open in horror and Talia spit her drink across the table. “Eww!” She laughed at the thought. It was clear Austin felt the same.

  “Shit. You guys are fucked up. You do know that, right?” Austin looked around at the laughing group as he tried not to bust out in laughter himself. “I would have to pour bleach in my eyes if I walked in on my mom, so it would have to be me doing the deed for sure.” The guys all nodded in agreement with Austin’s answer. Clearly the thought of catching your mom in a sexual encounter was frightening to each of these grown men.

  Rachel took a deep breath, knowing that she was the last one to go, and that Austin would be the one asking her the question. “Rachel, would you rather be able to see one year into the future or change any one decision from your past?” The question seemed pretty benign, and she was grateful that he hadn’t taken it to a sexual area, but Rachel couldn’t help the heavy feeling in her stomach as she thought it over. She noticed everyone was watching her, waiting for her answer. “Um, well, I can’t think of anything off hand that I would change from my past, but I don’t want to see into my future either, because that might change the way I live each day now.” Austin seemed to realize that Rachel was struggling with her answer, and he threw her a safety line.

  “Well, I’m good with that answer.” He reached under the table and took her small hand in his, squeezing it gently. Rachel thanked him with her eyes and squeezed his hand back.

  “Okay, well, since Chelsea still has both
arms and genitals, I think we are going to retire for the evening.” Nick stood up and scooped a laughing Chelsea up and carried her off to their room.

  Tom pulled Talia along as they said their goodnights also. Trevor seemed to be torn as to whether he should leave Rachel or not, but before she could set his mind at ease, Ava pulled him up. “Come on, sweetie, let’s go to bed. Goodnight, guys.”

  “Goodnight,” both Rachel and Austin replied at the same time.

  “Are you tired?” Austin asked Rachel as soon as they were alone.

  “I actually am, but do you want to sit for a while?” Rachel smiled, causing Austin’s heart to speed up. The light from the fireplace was surrounding her in a soft glow that made her skin look flawless. Austin couldn’t help himself; he reached out and softly touched her face.

  “You are so beautiful, Rachel.” His voice became much lower than normal—the desire he was feeling channeling through. Of course he was drawn to her beauty, but it was more than that. Austin wanted to know everything about her—what made her laugh, what she liked, what she feared. He wanted to hold her when she cried and laugh when she laughed. To be honest, these feelings scared the shit out of him.

  Rachel placed her hand over Austin’s as he let his rest against her cheek, leaning into his touch and closing her eyes. The fire continued to burn as they lowered themselves to the couch, Austin bringing Rachel down to lay against him. There wasn’t anything overly sexual about their position, but it was just nice to be with someone like this. Before Austin could say anything else, he felt Rachel relax into him, and he knew she had fallen asleep.

  Austin lay there for almost an hour before picking Rachel up and carrying her up to her bed. It was at least another hour before he was able to stop his mind from running and fall asleep himself.

  ***

  “Get up! It’s time to hit the slopes!” Nick banged on Austin’s door and then proceeded down the hallway to disturb the next victim. Austin groaned and rolled over, taking in the time on the clock.

  “Holy shit, Nick, it’s only seven-thirty,” Austin grumbled more to himself than to Nick who was way out of ear shot anyway.

  After a long hot shower, Austin felt more awake and ventured out to the kitchen where almost everyone except for Ava was moving around, grabbing breakfast. “Good morning,” Austin whispered to Rachel as he reached around her for a coffee cup. She topped her coffee off and then poured some for Austin before setting it back down.

  “Thank you for taking me to bed last night.” She smiled shyly.

  “Excuse me?” Tom frowned at Austin.

  “Whoa, wait.” Austin laughed as he held up his hands. “I literally just took her up to her bed. She fell asleep on the couch.” Austin chuckled as he saw the relief on Tom’s face. It was obvious these guys were really protective of Rachel.

  Before Austin could say anything else, his phone began to vibrate. “Excuse me,” he answered on his way back to his room to see what urgent matter his coworkers couldn’t handle now. After a fifteen minute conversation, Austin was finally able to join everyone else. Most of them were getting their things ready for their day on the mountain.

  “Rachel, aren’t you going?” Nick asked as he brought out his and Chelsea’s snowboards.

  “I don’t know.” She chewed on her lip. Austin could tell she was nervous about something, but he wasn’t sure what.

  “Rachel, please come. You can take it slow. I’ll stay with you if you want.” Talia sat next to her and placed her hand on Rachel’s shoulder.

  “Doesn’t Rachel ski?” Austin asked Trevor quietly.

  Trevor chuckled softly. “Yeah, in fact she could probably whoop all of our asses if she wanted.”

  “Then why is she unsure if she wants to come?” Austin frowned. Trevor paused and studied Austin for a minute before shaking his head.

  “It’s just been a while,” Trevor finally said before walking back to his room.

  It didn’t take long to convince Rachel to join them and soon everyone had their gear and was walking toward the base of the mountain, one of the many perks of the location of the condo—walk out skiing!

  Rachel, Talia, and Chelsea walked ahead of Austin and the guys. Austin couldn’t help but admire how sexy Rachel looked in her tight ski pants. They hugged every curve, and damn if her butt wasn’t something he could stare at all day.

  “She really does look good, Trevor,” Tom mentioned as they walked.

  “I know. I agree.” Trevor nodded.

  “Shit, considering how she looked even just last month, I’d say she has come a long way.” Nick added. “Fuck, though, those cancer treatments almost killed her.” Nick shook his head.

  Austin froze, and it took the guys a minute to realize he had stopped. “Cancer?” he whispered, barely audible. Trevor closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

  “Ow!” Nick hollered as Tom punched him in the shoulder.

  “You seriously have a bigger mouth than brain, Nick. I’m going to get you a fucking shock collar, so every time you are about to say something stupid I can remind you to shut the hell up,” Tom said as he and Trevor walked back to where Austin was standing, mouth gaping.

  “Why didn’t anyone tell me? God, I’m such an ass! I made those comments about her hair and everything, and you all just sat there.” He started to pace. “Fuck, I asked her what she would change in her past or if she wanted to see into her future … No wonder she had a hard time answering! How could you all just let me make an ass of myself?” Austin didn’t know what to think. He was shocked and mad, but most of all, he was scared. He was scared because he had really started to care about Rachel, and now he found out she was sick. He didn’t want to lose her, too. The first time he put something before himself or his work, and now it might be taken away from him. He couldn’t do this again.

  “Austin, it wasn’t like that,” Trevor tried to explain.

  “Fuck.” Austin rubbed his hands over his face. “I can’t do this right now.” He turned and walked back toward the condo.

  “Austin, don’t do this, man!” Trevor hollered, but Austin barely heard him over his own thoughts.

  Chapter 8

  “What the heck is going on back there?” Talia asked as they watched the guys surround Austin. It appeared they were having a heated discussion, but Rachel couldn’t hear what was being said.

  The girls walked toward the guys, but when Austin looked up at Rachel and then shook his head and said, “I can’t do this right now,” Rachel stopped. It was obvious that it had something to do with her, and she had a feeling she knew what it was about.

  “What happened?” Chelsea asked Nick.

  “I fucked up.” Nick looked at Rachel, and she knew he must have said something. “Rachel, I didn’t mean to say anything. We were just commenting about how great you look, and before I knew it, I said the “C” word, and fuck, Austin just kinda freaked out. I’m so sorry.” Nick wrapped Rachel in his arms.

  “Its okay, Nick. I just didn’t want anyone to treat me differently, you know?” Rachel shrugged her shoulders, holding back the tears that threatened to escape. “I guess it doesn’t matter now.”

  It didn’t matter if Austin would treat her different now. He obviously didn’t want to deal with her at all anymore.

  Rachel shook her head and shrugged. “Come on, we have a mountain waiting for us.” She turned and started walking. She glanced back and saw that everyone else was following. She was determined to make this a fun day.

  The cool wind blew across Rachel’s face as she and Talia rode the lift to the top of the mountain. Her first couple runs on the bunny hill went perfectly, and she could feel her confidence returning. No one else had mentioned what had taken place on the walk over, and she was fine with that. It was hard for Rachel to put it out of her mind, but she refused to let someone bring her down. Like it or not, cancer was as much a part of her life as anything else, and if Austin didn’t like that, well then, he could just screw off.

  “
I need to tell you something,” Talia spoke softly and then turned to look at Rachel. The way she looked slightly unsure was very unusual for Talia. It didn’t sit right with Rachel.

  “Did Austin tell you anything about our families?”

  “No.” Rachel thought about it and realized they hadn’t really talked about much at all.

  “Well, Austin had a younger sister, Angie.” Talia paused. “She was four years younger than him, three years younger than me. When she was a junior in high school, she was diagnosed with leukemia.” Rachel gasped. She didn’t know where Talia was headed with this, but her stomach tightened in preparation for what would come next.

  “Her cancer was fairly aggressive, and although she put up one hell of a fight, she died nine months after her diagnosis. Austin was in college, and I was still in nursing school. Well, you can imagine that Austin took it pretty hard. He wasn’t a match for a bone marrow transplant, and he felt so hopeless. It hit our families pretty hard when we lost Angie, and Austin retreated into himself a lot. He has always been driven, but now he throws his entire self into things that he can control—like his work. It has been nice to see him these last few days because he has been quite smitten with you, and I think you have felt the same, right?” Talia smiled at Rachel, and Rachel nodded. She had only known Austin for a few days, but she was already pretty tangled up in him.

  “Well, we all tried to respect your wishes by not mentioning your cancer to him, but I think when Nick let it slip, it hit Austin like a punch to the gut. Imagine if he was the first person you had allowed yourself to get close to in years, and then come to find out you might lose him, too.”

  Rachel shook her head. “I get it, but it’s not the same. I’m done with my treatment. Currently, there is no sign of cancer in my body. As of right now, I won the battle,” Rachel stressed.

  “I know that, and so does everyone else, but by keeping this all from Austin, he doesn’t know that. He just heard ‘cancer,’ and he associates it with death,” Talia explained.